Stringing Along

Literally the day after the last post fucking Bunny Day happened and killed all my momentum for Animal Crossing. So in that regard, I'm pretty much a liar now. I'm being hyperbolic, but I did feel it was pertinent to address that right up here at the top. I've been laughing about it all month and it's the odd mixture of frustration and perfect chaos that I love. In truth, I still do play it here and there but I'm nowhere near as amped about it. I log in for maybe 10 minutes a day just to check turnip prices and fart around, but nothing substantial. I've thought about it, and I've realized that this is the best-case scenario for me if this is gonna be a game I stick around with long term. The weight of daily check-in streaks was beginning to add up and with it, my interest was buckling. So in short, the lesson learned is maybe I shouldn't place solace in singular experiences. With that being said, I bought a guitar.

Figured we could rip that band-aid right off here at the top too. I feel the guitar, much like writing, is one of those things you don't talk about unless you're doing it because the act of talking about it satisfies whatever chemical reaction in your brain that feels like you accomplished something when instead you've just blown hot air. However, I figured my self declared loophole is that the Internet is so noisy that whoever is here reading this in our little corner of the Internet can help keep me accountable. (Sorry for the burden.) I've wanted to do this for a while but I've always written it off as something outside the bounds of what I considered possible. I've talked about it in our discord before, but it's taken me entirely too long in life to realize that the only difference between knowing a skill and not knowing is the discipline to stick with it and practice it. (I guess the theme of this blog post is gonna be obvious lessons.) I've found a guide that I'm really enjoying on Youtube and I'm dedicating at least 10 minutes a day to practice. Pretty low stakes and it leaves room for more time if I'm feeling it. Last Saturday I spent about 2 hours just slowly practicing transitioning chords, and if you'll allow me to toot my own horn, I'm pretty pumped about the progress I've made in a week. So, we'll see where this goes. (After writing that I realize that this whole website is the biggest horn I'll ever toot so I guess that goes without saying.)  Regardless of what happens, it's been so therapeutic to have an outlet to pause whatever I'm doing and focus all my mental and physical energy on something, because trust me, it takes all my focus. If I run into whatever the guitar equivalent of Bunny Day is though, I'm burning this blog down.

Hey. We're really into the thick of this now, huh? Normally I like to have two structures to this blog where the first half is something inspiring, or something I've spent the month ruminating on and revising so it's not something I read in the future with regret, but I gotta be honest. I don't have shit. Time is warped. I've been lethargic. We're just shooting from the hip here and I hope that's okay. Plus last month, I overly romanticized Animal Crossing so I think it's only fair to balance it out with just catching up on what I've been up to lately. I mean, the biggest thing I didn't cover in the last entry was the slow introduction of streaming again. My original intention was to hold off until June to start toying with the idea of streaming casually, but with everything going on regarding Covid19 and people practicing social distancing or even isolation, it felt right to bump that up a few months. I don't know if that VOD is still up, but it's hard to capture what it felt like going live after so long. Seeing all the familiar names emerge and all the in-jokes provided exactly the warmth I was looking for in this life in limbo. Even in the days of regularity, there was an element of nervousness that accompanied every stream, but there was a sense of nerves I haven't felt since the early days with this return. Had it been enough time? Did I make all that fuss about ending just to be back sooner than expected? Would I still know how to do it? (Given all the audio issues we had on the first one, I'd say yes I did forget.) Am I ready to immerse myself back into stream, albeit with a new sense of restraint?

If you're reading this, you know me well enough to know how deep of a rabbit hole I can go with the second-guessing, but I listened to my gut and went live. Regardless of what my relationship to streaming is, I knew the end result would be good, and it was. I've discussed my feelings about this with Nej and she helped me set a guideline for what feels right. Last year I had a long conversation with a friend about streaming and I told them that streaming sometimes feels like holding your hand as close as you can to the fire and seeing how long you can go before getting burnt. They responded that I've had my hand up for a long time. I'm sure this isn't exclusive to streaming. When you're passionate about anything it's easy to forgo all sense of preservation in pursuit of a goal just outside your reach. To give in to the assuring whispers that you're on the verge of a breaking point if you just hold on a little longer. I think we've romanticized this notion of pushing through, or at least I did. I shouldn't be willing to burn myself to get there though, and that toxic notion was at the root of my relationship to streaming. That's why I've determined my new guideline for streaming is no more than once a week, but not necessarily every week. Casual. I swear, one day I'll move past writing about my conflicted relationship with streaming. It hasn't happened yet, but we'll get there. Back in the end of year post, I said that I was still learning how to make peace with this, and that's very much still the case. I don't want to live in the shadow of the longest-running project I've ever held, but I'm trying to learn from the experience as I move forward with new things. Speaking of which...

I may not be in a place to commit to a schedule with streaming, but next week I'm launching something that is very much scheduled. It's something I've been wanting to do for a while and I'm excited. My cousin and I have been working on a podcast and we're getting ready to launch on May 4th. Not quite ready to give all the details just yet, but by the end of the week, I should be able to share more. So, yeah! Until next time, thank you, Internet!