I'm actually out with some friends right now. I didn't know if I'd be back in time to write a full length blog post but I didn't want to leave it blank. So instead here is a video that I put together after realizing that I don't lead an active enough life to own a go pro. Buyer's remorse? 100%
I gotta be honest. After last week's blog I've been struggling on where I wanted to go this week. There seems to be a trend that I'm only ever really writing when I'm super stressed or worried, otherwise it just becomes a laundry list of what I'm doing at TheTapStream. So, I figured fuck it. Have the video of me being attacked by a duck. I've talked about it enough on stream before why not show it?
Are you done laughing? No? I'll wait.
As I mentioned in the opening paragraph, last week's blog was a bit on the stressed side. However, despite the fact that I asked you not to, people still reached out for which I thank you. Doubt is fear that's made it's mind up. Everyone of you that commented, messaged, or tweeted me helped realise that there is very little to fear. Except I guess following orders. I'm kidding. Seriously Trey, you've got to learn to accept compliments.
God of War dropped this week and I think that might be the highlight of my week. I'm a newcomer to the series but there seems to be enough distance between it and its predecessors that I don't feel lost. This newest entry is showing maturity and pensiveness of which I never saw in the originals. Again, never played them, but from an outside perspective there always seemed to be this caricature of blood, sex, and violence that was continuously on display. However, this latest entry is tackling themes of loss, and unhealthy emotional coping. Gameplay wise it's an absolute delight. There's heft behind every attack, and the ability to throw your axe and summon it back to you at any time is so incredibly satisfying. I couldn't help but scream, "I'm THOR," the first time I used it and the imagery has stayed in my head since. I'm still on this side of the halfway point but God of War is already shaping up to be one of my favorite games of 2018, a spot previously held by Celeste. Now to figure out how I'm going to juggle finishing Kingdom Hearts and God of War this week. monkaS. (For the non twitch people that's an emote. It's a thing. Don't ask.)
Another pretty big highlight of the week is that my podcast, Nobody Knows What We're Doing is now on iTunes, Pocket Casts, Anchor, and Overcast. I've been wanting to do a podcast since 2008 and the fact that I'm in a position to do so is exciting. The latest episode features an interview with a designer from the Aroma.io app team and it was so fun to get to sit down with them. Speaking candidly? I was ready to let the podcast die. Yeah, I know what you're thinking, not good promoting skills on my part right? I had done the two episodes with Skini Mini and Carelessrex and I enjoyed them, but there was doubt that I would be able to continue it in a consistent fashion. (There's that doubt again.) But like most of my endeavors these days, I was inspired by the ProfessorBroman podcast to keep trying. He said perfectionism is the enemy of good. We get so fixated on trying to make things so perfect that we rarely finish the things we set out to do. There's this emotional pressure that we let build up on this idea that things have to be perfect or its not worth releasing. And as we agonize over minute details we lose the spark that set this creativity in motion in the first place. I was so dead set on trying to find a way to make Nobody Knows What We're Doing a weekly podcast until I realized, fuck it. I'm striving for monthly, and if I hit it, I hit it. But in time I'll get better. I'll find ways to optimize the time it takes record, edit, and publish one. I'll get better. Seeing my podcast up on iTunes and Pocket Casts, and soon Spotify and Stitcher was the spark I needed to continue. Vanity has its uses I suppose.
I start Keto tomorrow. I don't have much to say other than dieting has always been hard for me and my track record with diets is worse than my track record of Sharknado movie nights with the community. However, I've been on the plus side of weight gain these last few months and I'm not ready to let the hard work of last year go to waste. I got down to 250, I'm back up to 269. I want to hit 200 by the end of the year so Keto it is. Plus, if I can get in shape and hit my ideal weight I'm buying a Captain America costume. A good one. So, there's my motivation. Hold me to it.
PS This time next week I will have seen Infinity War and BOY. BOYYYY.
Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon, fraud syndrome or the impostor experience) is a concept describing individuals who are marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and have a persistent fear of being exposed as a "fraud".
It finally happened, I finally missed a blog post entry last week. Faced with the choice of getting sleep and staying up to write another post I ended up going with more sleep. For those who don't know, I'm in the lawn service business and that means that this time of year is my busiest time of year. Energy levels have been on the lower end of things, which really hasn't helped my 'Be Everywhere,' motto, but I'm working on better time management. I've already made the decision to end streams and hour earlier than usual until I can catch up with more sleep. Tonight doesn't count though.
Introductions aside, I actually had a really productive day today. Finished up and packaged the Tap Shirts for the Charity stream incentives and will have those out tomorrow, which only leaves the Alien Isolation videos to make. I've been getting confirmation from others that the postcards I sent earlier this week have finally made their way to some people so that's a sense of relief too. I once told a friend that everyone I know and care about is within driving distance so I never really had to mail out stuff before. A lot has changed since being introduced to streaming and it's been so nice being able to send stuff to people.
I feel like my streams have been all over the place lately with unexpected schedule changes and unhealthy fixations on beating games that are just within reach of my skill level (glares of CupHead). I don't think I've addressed it fully in the blog, but CarelessRex and I have made the decision to permanently move our Multi-Monday streams to Mixer. The co-streaming feature over there allows us to have our videos side by side and synced so that people don't have to rely on third party websites to do it for them. Our viewer count and chat is combined as well so there's no longer too much juggling between us and we can manage it all in one spot. Mixer seriously is the best place to do multi-streaming. Back on the Twitch side of things I've still been chipping away at Kingdom Hearts. We're actually really close to the end of the game and I'm fairly certain I'll be able to wrap it up by Wednesday. Which leaves us perfectly ready to tackle the new God of War on Friday. For the record, the God of War stream will be held on Twitch. Fridays have been reserved for our Mixer streams as of late but due to the inconsistencies of my schedule I'm still trying to service the Twitch side of things for the time being. Mixed signals much? Maybe. I wish I had more time.
If I were to pin down the highlight of my week I honestly think it would be the Matt and Kim concert I went to on Friday. I've seen them before and the easily became one of my all time favorite live acts, and this last experience only further cemented that fact. The energy that they bring to their live shows is unbelievable, and their ability to cover and sample rap songs in between their songs is masterful. I went with four of my cousins, one of which is FrankieFastHandz from the stream. I saw him let loose in a way I've never seen him before, and as he emerged from the mosh pit wide eyed and with an exclamation of, "THAT WAS AMAZING," I knew that this weekend was special. I think this makes three years in a row that I've been to a live show with my cousins? I want to keep that trend up. Oh, by the way I totally embedded a song by TwinKids called Jigoku Tengoku. They were the opening act for Matt and Kim and I honestly can not stop listening to this song. I highly recommend it.
Still wondering why the blog post started with the definition of Imposter Syndrome? It's something I wanted to be open about in this post, but I felt important to lessen the blow by waiting to talk about it until the end. I think the thing that's hard about this is that the initial reaction to people going through this is to assure them that the opposite is true. I promise I'm not fishing for that. My goal for 2018 has simply been to be everywhere. In doing so I'm finding myself surrounded by more and more creative people and it's one of the most rewarding feelings. The thing that fuels me creatively is being in the presence of other creative people and being able to champion their passions of creativity. However, there looms this mental darkness that keeps chipping away at the confidence that I belong. Stop it, I'm not fishing. Honestly, the best way to describe this comes from Toy Story 3. You know how the movie opens up with the action being matter of fact only to be abruptly revealed as the imagination of Andy? There's this disconnect between Andy's imagination and reality and when it cuts to the real world, it's a hard cut. That's the fear. That's the imposter syndrome. How much is the work I'm doing here Andy's imagination, and how much is being boxed up and shipped off to daycare? Still not fishing, stop it. I know it's not true, you here reading it is living proof that it's not true. The people that take time out of their day to engage with the things I'm making is proof. The friendships I have made is proof. But, that's what makes imposter syndrome a bitch. It only worsens the more I add to my work flow. Another avenue for doubt to come strolling through. I've done my best to downplay it these last few weeks for reasons stated above but I feel comfortable being more open about it here. The people reading this blog are the most entrenched in the shenanigans going on here so I'm trusting that I'm painting an adequate enough picture to recognize that I'm okay. In fact, I'm hoping that it's enough reassurance for others who may be feeling the same to be like, "yeah okay, me too." I think 'never going to be enough," is just a weight that a lot creative people carry. It works the muscle that pushes people to constantly keep improving, to constantly keep changing, to constantly be working. However, sometimes that muscle is sore as fuck. I guess right now I'm just really sore. It'll pass, but I'm sore.
On February 6th I received a discord message from LaceyaFinley detailing a project to raise money for Child's Play. She invited me to guest stream along with the other talented members of EPIC Streamers and I said yes. The next several weeks went into preparing for this weekend, and the fruits of their labors were on full display. EPIC Streamers set a goal of raising $4,000 dollars and they have doubled it as I'm writing this. You ask me what the highlight of my week was? Watching our communities come together for such an amazing cause.
The charity marathon started this past Friday and by the end of the day, they had already hit half their goal. Stream after stream, I popped in and watched as generous people from all over donated and hyped up the cause. Streamers kept the event going with so many amazing incentives. Singing, dancing, drawing, exercising, eating, storytelling, the list goes on. Admins and moderators handled chat and giveaways while also keeping the chat lively. The weekend was a blast. My personal stream slot was at 11:00 PM CDT March 31st and I gotta be honest, I was a nervous wreck. I was pacing up and down the house only stopping to bend over because I had never done something like this before. I was going through test after test to make sure everything I had set up was ready. Self-doubt was starting to creep in. I don't write this to fish for anything, but to emphasize how much it means to me to see my corner of the Internet come together and rally along with me.
Within moments of going live, I was reassured of the incredible group of people I am fortunate enough to be surrounded by. Video games are what united us and the fact that we can take our passion for what was once seen as a childish act and turn it into a force for good? I'm humbled. Perpetually humbled. So thank you. Thank you Laceya for inviting me on. Thank You Epic Streamers for the organization, talent, and hard work you put towards this. And thank you to my community. Almost 24 hours later and I'm still processing this. Sometimes I'm still confused on how it happened, but I am fortunate to have met every one of you. You continually brighten my day and I am a better person because of you.
Streamer, writer, creator. One day I woke up painfully aware of my existence and I've been apologizing for it ever since.