Writing is hard. Earlier this month I sent out a political tweet thread encouraging people to get registered to vote, but what ended up a tweet originally started as a longer blog post. It was gonna be inspirational, it was going to be angry, and it was ultimately going nowhere. So I cut it short and relied on the safety net that is Twitter’s 280 character limit. The structure is nice and it’s less opportunity for doubt to creep in. Give me 280 characters and I’ll go to town. Give me this blank space and no limits and suddenly possibility is daunting, and every sentence is another ledge I’m flirting with. A free-fall into trashing what I originally set out to do. Self-sabotage before it’s even had a chance to breathe. I know I’m not alone in this habit. It’s kinda fucked up, isn’t it? How many things have you attempted to try this week only to talk yourself back from actually doing it? There are already a million hurdles to clear, our inner voice shouldn’t be one of them. 

I’m preaching to the choir though. You know this, I know this yet here we are. Doubt is a muscle we’ve nurtured and grown. A defense mechanism from shame. I’ve talked about it before but there’s a valley of difference between what we know and what we feel. That valley grows every time we dare to edge out closer to that ledge and think maybe I can. Yet no matter how intimidating that valley may be, we can bridge that gap. The valley is only lies we tell ourselves so instead take the time to write a letter to your doubt. Grab a piece of paper and in the biggest, boldest font you can muster write this down. 

That’s it. Write it down as many times as you need until the words are echoed in your head. Write it down until the tangible reminder is cemented in your spirit. Write it down until the volume of truth silences the lies of your fears. We shouldn’t cut our aspirations so short because we wired ourselves to believe we’re not enough. All we can do is try, and whether we succeed or fail, we flesh out who we are in honest and repeated effort. There is a fine line between doubting yourself, and knowing what you’re capable of and it’s a line that should be defined by pushing the boundaries of what you thought you could do. Who knows, once you cross that valley, you might even impress yourself, but at least you’ll know. 

I’m digging the format set in the last blog post where the first half of this entry is something more formal and thought out while this last half of the blog is more stream of consciousness. Kinda like that scene in Iron Man where Tony is giving his press conference after being rescued and he asks everyone to sit down with him while he eats his cheeseburger. This is the cheeseburger section, take a seat while I run through what February’s been like. 

I’m still in that vulnerable state with these blogs where I’m not sure what sort of effect these are having or if I’m just rambling on, but I’m still holding to the North Star of my friend’s advice. If it helps put someone else at ease, then hey I’ll ramble on. I’ve been trying my hand at new hobbies and learning new editing programs, so doubt is something that’s been on my mind lately. I’m constantly entering unfamiliar territory and getting overwhelmed with the feeling of being out of my field, but I’m trying to push past it. Whatever expectations we set on ourselves should make room for the fact that not everyone starts out being good at something new. See the first half of this blog for more on the subject.

It’s weird transitioning from being in a position where I immediately published everything I made the moment it was done to holding back and keeping things a little more low key. I’ve been working on a lot of little different things, some too local to share, and others too early in the stages of planning to be fully open about it yet. The bottom line is that it feels good to be doing creative things again. These first two months have been crazy busy, with no plans of stopping anytime soon, so I don’t know what the road for these creative outlets looks like yet, but I’m just happy that they’re there. I miss making things for the Internet. This blog isn’t about that though so we’re moving on.

I’ve been running a lot. If you’ve been in the Discord or on my Instagram I’ve been posting screenshots of my running sessions and it’s been fun hearing people say that it’s helping to motivate them. It’s a cyclical thing where it only further motivates me to continue pushing myself to do more. I started back in June of last year with no real plan. I would just go out to the local track and sprint the straights and walk the curves for a mile and call it a day. Eventually, a friend turned me on to the Couch to 5K app and it became my first real goal with running. I stuck with that through Summer and Fall but eventually lost my way through the Holidays. (Christmas cookies are tempting, man.) Even though I tried to at least run once a week, I was nowhere near where I was at the start of Fall. I buckled down this month though and made it a point to run three times a week. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. It’s been going really well and I’m happy to say not only have I made running 3 miles straight a standard, but I also hit 5 consecutive miles running this week. My new goal is to eventually get up to running 10. I’m a ways off, but I’m excited to work towards it. If you’re in our Discord we’ve got a new channel dedicated specifically to posting out workouts and cheering each other on. If that’s the sort of motivation you’re looking for then you should come join us! 

Okay, I think that concludes this month’s entry. Gotta say I'm pretty pumped that I kept up with it for a second month and made it through without talking about streaming. Shit. Oh well, there's always next time. For now, I’m gonna end this with writing out a few things I thought about tweeting but ultimately decided not to since I’ve put this weird limitation on myself to be more reserved with social media. Oh, and seriously I meant it at the start of this post. If you’re not registered to vote, stop wasting time. Do so. 
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• I went to the museum today and immediately upon entering I heard a pre-teen kid exclaim to his field trip advisor, “I thought this was supposed to be fun.”
• Walking through an ‘Evolution of Man,’ exhibit and I just heard a young kid whisper with all sincerity, “Is that the abominable snowman?’ 
• Today I went to vote and I wore my Captain America shirt because that’s the kind of person I am. One of the ladies running the booth said, ‘Captain America has arrived,’ as soon as I walked in and that made me happier than it should have. 
• Jon and I decided we were going to have a night where we stayed up late, ordered pizza, and played video games like we used to. We made it to about 9:35 pm before we both looked at each other yawning and decided to call it. 
• There’s never been a pizza I couldn’t make personal. 

Enjoy and see you next month! <3 
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It feels weird writing a blog on a website that's technically not out yet. However, I figured if I'm going to get in the habit of blogging then there's no better time to start than now. I've already shown this blog to a few close friends so if you're seeing this after poking around a bit, hi!

It's Sunday evening and as is tradition I'm killing time online instead of getting to bed at a reasonable hour for once, especially with a new work week ahead. I talked about it a few weeks ago on stream but I've reached a point where I actually look forward to Mondays. Maybe this is something I'll look back on and laugh at the pretentiousness but I genuinely am excited for the things I'm doing and savor the chance to start a new week of work. There's fulfillment in the content that I'm creating online and that's something I haven't gotten anywhere else. 

I don't know if I'll be a daily blogger. My goal is at least one blog a week, probably on Sundays. There's something nice about reflecting on the week at the very end. The final period on a week long chapter. Looking back on this chapter I think the biggest take away was the chance to pretend like I was a full time streamer for a few days. 

I didn't work Wednesday-Friday due to weather so I took the opportunity to stream during the day. I started most days by 10 A.M. and would finish up around 8 or 9. The turnout was great and it enabled me to reach new viewers as well as host people in different time slots, like the !quote MiniKitty raid. Even more so I actually had time to myself in the evenings. Which, is something that's really hard to talk about. I never want to make it sound like I don't enjoy what I do but there are sacrifices, especially in relationships with family and friends, that are made when it comes to streaming and sometimes I worry that I've put stress on those. Having the chance to repair and put more time into those relationships felt nice. I have a long road ahead of me if this content creating is something I'm going to do full time, so pauses and self care is a much needed detour. (Pauses and Self Care is my favorite Florence and the Machine album. Boom.)
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Full time streaming is the goal, which is something I still struggle saying out loud. I've had people ask me on stream before if I want this to be more than just a hobby and every time I always find myself stumbling at the question. Half out of uncertainty, and half out of an internal indignant voice yelling, "can't you tell?" I know that this is a pipe dream and I still have a long way to go but there's no doubt in my mind that I want to be a full time streamer and content creator. Getting the taste of that lifestyle this week only steeled my resolve. It's easy to write off what I, as well as my peers, do but there's a lot of hard work and dedication that goes into making videos online. I talk about the Professor Broman podcast a lot but indulge me one more reference.

One of the biggest things he said in the earlier episodes was that when it comes to streaming no one sees the hard work that goes on behind the scenes. Everyone sees streaming and is like, 'yea I love playing video games too!' However, the actual gaming is just the reward for all the prep that goes into it. The stream doesn't end when you hit stop broadcast. Neither should your work effort.

So yeah, I still struggle saying that I want to be a full time streamer, but I'm learning to be more vocal about it. Small steps towards making that goal a reality. Go back and read the very first sentence of this blog and recognize that it's an open admission of unsureness. I didn't start the stream off as a beacon of confidence. It took small steps along the way to finally find my voice as a streamer. I'll get to full time in due time. So what better way to start off this blog than as an affirmation of that? 

Trey