Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon, fraud syndrome or the impostor experience) is a concept describing individuals who are marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and have a persistent fear of being exposed as a "fraud".
It finally happened, I finally missed a blog post entry last week. Faced with the choice of getting sleep and staying up to write another post I ended up going with more sleep. For those who don't know, I'm in the lawn service business and that means that this time of year is my busiest time of year. Energy levels have been on the lower end of things, which really hasn't helped my 'Be Everywhere,' motto, but I'm working on better time management. I've already made the decision to end streams and hour earlier than usual until I can catch up with more sleep. Tonight doesn't count though.
Introductions aside, I actually had a really productive day today. Finished up and packaged the Tap Shirts for the Charity stream incentives and will have those out tomorrow, which only leaves the Alien Isolation videos to make. I've been getting confirmation from others that the postcards I sent earlier this week have finally made their way to some people so that's a sense of relief too. I once told a friend that everyone I know and care about is within driving distance so I never really had to mail out stuff before. A lot has changed since being introduced to streaming and it's been so nice being able to send stuff to people.
I feel like my streams have been all over the place lately with unexpected schedule changes and unhealthy fixations on beating games that are just within reach of my skill level (glares of CupHead). I don't think I've addressed it fully in the blog, but CarelessRex and I have made the decision to permanently move our Multi-Monday streams to Mixer. The co-streaming feature over there allows us to have our videos side by side and synced so that people don't have to rely on third party websites to do it for them. Our viewer count and chat is combined as well so there's no longer too much juggling between us and we can manage it all in one spot. Mixer seriously is the best place to do multi-streaming. Back on the Twitch side of things I've still been chipping away at Kingdom Hearts. We're actually really close to the end of the game and I'm fairly certain I'll be able to wrap it up by Wednesday. Which leaves us perfectly ready to tackle the new God of War on Friday. For the record, the God of War stream will be held on Twitch. Fridays have been reserved for our Mixer streams as of late but due to the inconsistencies of my schedule I'm still trying to service the Twitch side of things for the time being. Mixed signals much? Maybe. I wish I had more time.
If I were to pin down the highlight of my week I honestly think it would be the Matt and Kim concert I went to on Friday. I've seen them before and the easily became one of my all time favorite live acts, and this last experience only further cemented that fact. The energy that they bring to their live shows is unbelievable, and their ability to cover and sample rap songs in between their songs is masterful. I went with four of my cousins, one of which is FrankieFastHandz from the stream. I saw him let loose in a way I've never seen him before, and as he emerged from the mosh pit wide eyed and with an exclamation of, "THAT WAS AMAZING," I knew that this weekend was special. I think this makes three years in a row that I've been to a live show with my cousins? I want to keep that trend up. Oh, by the way I totally embedded a song by TwinKids called Jigoku Tengoku. They were the opening act for Matt and Kim and I honestly can not stop listening to this song. I highly recommend it.
Still wondering why the blog post started with the definition of Imposter Syndrome? It's something I wanted to be open about in this post, but I felt important to lessen the blow by waiting to talk about it until the end. I think the thing that's hard about this is that the initial reaction to people going through this is to assure them that the opposite is true. I promise I'm not fishing for that. My goal for 2018 has simply been to be everywhere. In doing so I'm finding myself surrounded by more and more creative people and it's one of the most rewarding feelings. The thing that fuels me creatively is being in the presence of other creative people and being able to champion their passions of creativity. However, there looms this mental darkness that keeps chipping away at the confidence that I belong. Stop it, I'm not fishing. Honestly, the best way to describe this comes from Toy Story 3. You know how the movie opens up with the action being matter of fact only to be abruptly revealed as the imagination of Andy? There's this disconnect between Andy's imagination and reality and when it cuts to the real world, it's a hard cut. That's the fear. That's the imposter syndrome. How much is the work I'm doing here Andy's imagination, and how much is being boxed up and shipped off to daycare? Still not fishing, stop it. I know it's not true, you here reading it is living proof that it's not true. The people that take time out of their day to engage with the things I'm making is proof. The friendships I have made is proof. But, that's what makes imposter syndrome a bitch. It only worsens the more I add to my work flow. Another avenue for doubt to come strolling through. I've done my best to downplay it these last few weeks for reasons stated above but I feel comfortable being more open about it here. The people reading this blog are the most entrenched in the shenanigans going on here so I'm trusting that I'm painting an adequate enough picture to recognize that I'm okay. In fact, I'm hoping that it's enough reassurance for others who may be feeling the same to be like, "yeah okay, me too." I think 'never going to be enough," is just a weight that a lot creative people carry. It works the muscle that pushes people to constantly keep improving, to constantly keep changing, to constantly be working. However, sometimes that muscle is sore as fuck. I guess right now I'm just really sore. It'll pass, but I'm sore.
4/16/2018 05:36:23 am
I know those feelings all too well. I'm always hoping they will fade in time but as you said, it's a burden creatives have to carry. Most blessings come with a curse it seems, but would you rather be content with mediocrity or exhausted by the attempt to improve? The latter seems like more work but worth it in the end. I know you weren't fishing but I have to say, if anyone is going to make it, it's going to be you.
4/16/2018 09:24:35 am
Thank you for the kind words. Seriously, appreciative of you taking time to read and comment here. Yea, I agree with the hard work being worth it. I’m getting a real Empire Strikes back feel not only from within but peers as well. Figured being open about it could be assuring.
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Streamer, writer, creator. One day I woke up painfully aware of my existence and I've been apologizing for it ever since.