I'm beyond excited to share the podcast I've been working on with my cousin Jude. Introducing, MCU Need to Know, a podcast dedicated to the Marvel Cinematic Universe and everything you need to know! Those that know me know how much the MCU means to me and that goes equally the same for Jude. Leading up to Avengers: Endgame we were incredibly hyped and constantly swapping thoughts and theories about what the future of our favorite superheroes would be and what it would mean for the larger cinematic universe. As the MCU moves forward with its next saga we figured it was only a natural fit to create a platform where we could continue geeking out about Marvel as well as making that conversation something others could join in on too! Even though we're living in a time where release dates are in flux, we wanted to go ahead and get started now so that whenever the Disney+ shows or Black Widow begin to release, we'll be ready and waiting to dive into those on our podcast. So what does that mean in the meantime? 

Starting now, you can subscribe to our podcast on any of your favorite podcasting platforms and you will find our pilot episode where we introduce ourselves and talk about our connection with the Marvel fandom. This coming Monday, May 4th, will be the first official episode where we begin our rewatch of the Marvel Netflix series, Daredevil. It will be a weekly release where we give an in-depth scene by scene break down discussing the show as a whole as well as how it fits into the larger MCU proper. We're both excited and proud of what we've done so far and we can't wait to dive in with you all as well! So if you don't have any plans this evening, now would be a great time to start rewatching Daredevil with us! 

Our podcast is still rolling out to all the major podcasting platforms, so if you don't see it, don't hesitate to let us know so we can ensure that it will be there for you moving forward! You can find us on Twitter or Instagram with the username @MCUNeedtoKnow, or if long-form writing is your thing, you can also send us an email at [email protected]! We look forward to any comments, thoughts, or feedback sent our way.

Thank you in advance for your interest in our show. We're both excited about the potential of this platform, and we know we're not the only ones looking for a place to geek out about Marvel. We'd be delighted to do it together.

​<3 

Literally the day after the last post fucking Bunny Day happened and killed all my momentum for Animal Crossing. So in that regard, I'm pretty much a liar now. I'm being hyperbolic, but I did feel it was pertinent to address that right up here at the top. I've been laughing about it all month and it's the odd mixture of frustration and perfect chaos that I love. In truth, I still do play it here and there but I'm nowhere near as amped about it. I log in for maybe 10 minutes a day just to check turnip prices and fart around, but nothing substantial. I've thought about it, and I've realized that this is the best-case scenario for me if this is gonna be a game I stick around with long term. The weight of daily check-in streaks was beginning to add up and with it, my interest was buckling. So in short, the lesson learned is maybe I shouldn't place solace in singular experiences. With that being said, I bought a guitar.

Figured we could rip that band-aid right off here at the top too. I feel the guitar, much like writing, is one of those things you don't talk about unless you're doing it because the act of talking about it satisfies whatever chemical reaction in your brain that feels like you accomplished something when instead you've just blown hot air. However, I figured my self declared loophole is that the Internet is so noisy that whoever is here reading this in our little corner of the Internet can help keep me accountable. (Sorry for the burden.) I've wanted to do this for a while but I've always written it off as something outside the bounds of what I considered possible. I've talked about it in our discord before, but it's taken me entirely too long in life to realize that the only difference between knowing a skill and not knowing is the discipline to stick with it and practice it. (I guess the theme of this blog post is gonna be obvious lessons.) I've found a guide that I'm really enjoying on Youtube and I'm dedicating at least 10 minutes a day to practice. Pretty low stakes and it leaves room for more time if I'm feeling it. Last Saturday I spent about 2 hours just slowly practicing transitioning chords, and if you'll allow me to toot my own horn, I'm pretty pumped about the progress I've made in a week. So, we'll see where this goes. (After writing that I realize that this whole website is the biggest horn I'll ever toot so I guess that goes without saying.)  Regardless of what happens, it's been so therapeutic to have an outlet to pause whatever I'm doing and focus all my mental and physical energy on something, because trust me, it takes all my focus. If I run into whatever the guitar equivalent of Bunny Day is though, I'm burning this blog down.

Hey. We're really into the thick of this now, huh? Normally I like to have two structures to this blog where the first half is something inspiring, or something I've spent the month ruminating on and revising so it's not something I read in the future with regret, but I gotta be honest. I don't have shit. Time is warped. I've been lethargic. We're just shooting from the hip here and I hope that's okay. Plus last month, I overly romanticized Animal Crossing so I think it's only fair to balance it out with just catching up on what I've been up to lately. I mean, the biggest thing I didn't cover in the last entry was the slow introduction of streaming again. My original intention was to hold off until June to start toying with the idea of streaming casually, but with everything going on regarding Covid19 and people practicing social distancing or even isolation, it felt right to bump that up a few months. I don't know if that VOD is still up, but it's hard to capture what it felt like going live after so long. Seeing all the familiar names emerge and all the in-jokes provided exactly the warmth I was looking for in this life in limbo. Even in the days of regularity, there was an element of nervousness that accompanied every stream, but there was a sense of nerves I haven't felt since the early days with this return. Had it been enough time? Did I make all that fuss about ending just to be back sooner than expected? Would I still know how to do it? (Given all the audio issues we had on the first one, I'd say yes I did forget.) Am I ready to immerse myself back into stream, albeit with a new sense of restraint?

If you're reading this, you know me well enough to know how deep of a rabbit hole I can go with the second-guessing, but I listened to my gut and went live. Regardless of what my relationship to streaming is, I knew the end result would be good, and it was. I've discussed my feelings about this with Nej and she helped me set a guideline for what feels right. Last year I had a long conversation with a friend about streaming and I told them that streaming sometimes feels like holding your hand as close as you can to the fire and seeing how long you can go before getting burnt. They responded that I've had my hand up for a long time. I'm sure this isn't exclusive to streaming. When you're passionate about anything it's easy to forgo all sense of preservation in pursuit of a goal just outside your reach. To give in to the assuring whispers that you're on the verge of a breaking point if you just hold on a little longer. I think we've romanticized this notion of pushing through, or at least I did. I shouldn't be willing to burn myself to get there though, and that toxic notion was at the root of my relationship to streaming. That's why I've determined my new guideline for streaming is no more than once a week, but not necessarily every week. Casual. I swear, one day I'll move past writing about my conflicted relationship with streaming. It hasn't happened yet, but we'll get there. Back in the end of year post, I said that I was still learning how to make peace with this, and that's very much still the case. I don't want to live in the shadow of the longest-running project I've ever held, but I'm trying to learn from the experience as I move forward with new things. Speaking of which...

I may not be in a place to commit to a schedule with streaming, but next week I'm launching something that is very much scheduled. It's something I've been wanting to do for a while and I'm excited. My cousin and I have been working on a podcast and we're getting ready to launch on May 4th. Not quite ready to give all the details just yet, but by the end of the week, I should be able to share more. So, yeah! Until next time, thank you, Internet! 

I didn't want to write this blog. That's why it's late. Instead, and strangely what I didn't expect, was that I'd rather be playing Animal Crossing right now. I'm only three entries into this consistent blogging thing and even though I have a lot left to learn, I can safely assume that stating you don't want to write it is probably somewhere in the top five list of Don'ts in blogging. Luckily, this blog isn't guided by such lists and notions so I will reiterate, I'd rather be playing Animal Crossing right now.

I never expected to fall so hard for this game, and yet it's consumed so much of my waking thoughts. Over exaggerating? Only a little, but I've dreamt about this game. I rarely dream. I've woken up with my immediate thoughts being filled with excitement to see which new things have appeared on my island. My day is spent anticipating the moment I get to check and see if I've received any in-game mail and items sent from friends. I get so giddy visiting other friend's islands or having them come over to mine, despite there being almost nothing to do once you're together in a session. I have played this game at least an hour a day since I bought it which is coming up on two weeks now. It's no exaggeration to say I've spent more time playing this game, then the total hours spent playing anything else this year. 

I still find myself questioning what it is about this game that resonates with me when I've been so vehemently out of sync with any other games in a similar genre. I've never been one for character creation or any sort of custom creations for that matter. I've never been one to be guided by the dopamine effect of checking off simple daily tasks for virtual rewards and fake currency. I've never been compelled to spend my game time collecting useless collectibles, a subset of which requires fishing. It's pretty well documented how much I hate fishing in games, but as is the reoccurring theme in this piece, Animal Crossing unexpectedly broke through that threshold. (For those wondering, the moment this blog post is done I'll be spending the rest of my evening hours attempting to catch a Stringfish before it goes out of season.) 

Animal Crossing is an amalgamation of all the things I never expected. It's coming at a time where so many unexpected curve balls have been thrown around the world. It's coming at a time when the world's playbook has been thrown out the window and every one of us is having to adapt on the fly to a global pandemic. I never expected the plans I made earlier this year to be so quickly and dramatically upended and in some cases leave me wondering when I'd see loved ones again or what the state of the world would be when we got there. I didn't expect to stress over the simplest tasks for fear of endangering myself or those around me. I didn't expect that despite the weight of my anxieties, that it would be a drop in the bucket compared to what friends and family going above and beyond in their respective fields to help keep the world moving are dealing with. Friends and family whose work is deemed essential and therefore carry on in a world where six feet of distance and no contact with each other is now the standard. I'm just a child masquerading as an adult, whose only superpower is remaining optimistic, but in a world that feels so damn heavy right now, it's hard not to be taken aback by the existential gasp of uncertainty. I've wrestled with whether or not putting these fears out there was even worth posting, but we're living through a world-changing moment right now, and whether or not I'll look back on this entry with regret, it felt important to document what I'm feeling right now. 

The mountain always feels insurmountable until we're on the other side. Despite all my fears and my worries, I've been able to reason out that I'm only in control of doing at least three things. Staying informed. Practicing good hygiene and safe habits. Remaining kind. The world feels devoid of hope right now, and it's easy to get swept up in the various degrees at which this pandemic has been such a crushing blow to so many, and in ways that have yet to play out, and in ways that I, probably in my naivety, don't understand. But, I do know that hope never dies as long as we remain kind.

In the meantime, I'll be playing Animal Crossing. I hope you find your Animal Crossing too.

Writing is hard. Earlier this month I sent out a political tweet thread encouraging people to get registered to vote, but what ended up a tweet originally started as a longer blog post. It was gonna be inspirational, it was going to be angry, and it was ultimately going nowhere. So I cut it short and relied on the safety net that is Twitter’s 280 character limit. The structure is nice and it’s less opportunity for doubt to creep in. Give me 280 characters and I’ll go to town. Give me this blank space and no limits and suddenly possibility is daunting, and every sentence is another ledge I’m flirting with. A free-fall into trashing what I originally set out to do. Self-sabotage before it’s even had a chance to breathe. I know I’m not alone in this habit. It’s kinda fucked up, isn’t it? How many things have you attempted to try this week only to talk yourself back from actually doing it? There are already a million hurdles to clear, our inner voice shouldn’t be one of them. 

I’m preaching to the choir though. You know this, I know this yet here we are. Doubt is a muscle we’ve nurtured and grown. A defense mechanism from shame. I’ve talked about it before but there’s a valley of difference between what we know and what we feel. That valley grows every time we dare to edge out closer to that ledge and think maybe I can. Yet no matter how intimidating that valley may be, we can bridge that gap. The valley is only lies we tell ourselves so instead take the time to write a letter to your doubt. Grab a piece of paper and in the biggest, boldest font you can muster write this down. 

That’s it. Write it down as many times as you need until the words are echoed in your head. Write it down until the tangible reminder is cemented in your spirit. Write it down until the volume of truth silences the lies of your fears. We shouldn’t cut our aspirations so short because we wired ourselves to believe we’re not enough. All we can do is try, and whether we succeed or fail, we flesh out who we are in honest and repeated effort. There is a fine line between doubting yourself, and knowing what you’re capable of and it’s a line that should be defined by pushing the boundaries of what you thought you could do. Who knows, once you cross that valley, you might even impress yourself, but at least you’ll know. 

I’m digging the format set in the last blog post where the first half of this entry is something more formal and thought out while this last half of the blog is more stream of consciousness. Kinda like that scene in Iron Man where Tony is giving his press conference after being rescued and he asks everyone to sit down with him while he eats his cheeseburger. This is the cheeseburger section, take a seat while I run through what February’s been like. 

I’m still in that vulnerable state with these blogs where I’m not sure what sort of effect these are having or if I’m just rambling on, but I’m still holding to the North Star of my friend’s advice. If it helps put someone else at ease, then hey I’ll ramble on. I’ve been trying my hand at new hobbies and learning new editing programs, so doubt is something that’s been on my mind lately. I’m constantly entering unfamiliar territory and getting overwhelmed with the feeling of being out of my field, but I’m trying to push past it. Whatever expectations we set on ourselves should make room for the fact that not everyone starts out being good at something new. See the first half of this blog for more on the subject.

It’s weird transitioning from being in a position where I immediately published everything I made the moment it was done to holding back and keeping things a little more low key. I’ve been working on a lot of little different things, some too local to share, and others too early in the stages of planning to be fully open about it yet. The bottom line is that it feels good to be doing creative things again. These first two months have been crazy busy, with no plans of stopping anytime soon, so I don’t know what the road for these creative outlets looks like yet, but I’m just happy that they’re there. I miss making things for the Internet. This blog isn’t about that though so we’re moving on.

I’ve been running a lot. If you’ve been in the Discord or on my Instagram I’ve been posting screenshots of my running sessions and it’s been fun hearing people say that it’s helping to motivate them. It’s a cyclical thing where it only further motivates me to continue pushing myself to do more. I started back in June of last year with no real plan. I would just go out to the local track and sprint the straights and walk the curves for a mile and call it a day. Eventually, a friend turned me on to the Couch to 5K app and it became my first real goal with running. I stuck with that through Summer and Fall but eventually lost my way through the Holidays. (Christmas cookies are tempting, man.) Even though I tried to at least run once a week, I was nowhere near where I was at the start of Fall. I buckled down this month though and made it a point to run three times a week. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. It’s been going really well and I’m happy to say not only have I made running 3 miles straight a standard, but I also hit 5 consecutive miles running this week. My new goal is to eventually get up to running 10. I’m a ways off, but I’m excited to work towards it. If you’re in our Discord we’ve got a new channel dedicated specifically to posting out workouts and cheering each other on. If that’s the sort of motivation you’re looking for then you should come join us! 

Okay, I think that concludes this month’s entry. Gotta say I'm pretty pumped that I kept up with it for a second month and made it through without talking about streaming. Shit. Oh well, there's always next time. For now, I’m gonna end this with writing out a few things I thought about tweeting but ultimately decided not to since I’ve put this weird limitation on myself to be more reserved with social media. Oh, and seriously I meant it at the start of this post. If you’re not registered to vote, stop wasting time. Do so. 
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• I went to the museum today and immediately upon entering I heard a pre-teen kid exclaim to his field trip advisor, “I thought this was supposed to be fun.”
• Walking through an ‘Evolution of Man,’ exhibit and I just heard a young kid whisper with all sincerity, “Is that the abominable snowman?’ 
• Today I went to vote and I wore my Captain America shirt because that’s the kind of person I am. One of the ladies running the booth said, ‘Captain America has arrived,’ as soon as I walked in and that made me happier than it should have. 
• Jon and I decided we were going to have a night where we stayed up late, ordered pizza, and played video games like we used to. We made it to about 9:35 pm before we both looked at each other yawning and decided to call it. 
• There’s never been a pizza I couldn’t make personal. 

Enjoy and see you next month! <3 
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​My hairstylist thinks that I do a podcast. It was a tiny misconception that I never corrected and let build for the last four years. Social anxiety and ineptitude for common conversation left me adrift in search of a hairstylist for a long time, so when I found one that I was comfortable with, letting them believe that I run a podcast instead of a stream seemed like a decent trade-off. We have three different topics we can easily drift in and out of. Movies, travel, and my podcast. I know I’m not the hero in this situation, but there’s an appropriate level of karmic retribution when a few weeks ago my stylist once again asked, ‘How’s the podcast going,’ and the only thing I could say was, ‘it’s going good.’ I didn’t want to get into it right then in the chair, one because I didn’t know how I would handle it emotionally, and two because I had a lot of retroactive explaining to do. Instead, we shifted back to movies. 

It’s been about a month since the last time that I streamed, without a doubt marking the longest I’ve ever gone without going live since the start. Questions of what’s next and post stream life are pretty common and honestly, my answer has been pretty consistently boring. Sleep. Most nights I would stream until about 10:30 sometimes 11, and by the time I fell asleep, it was closer to midnight if I was lucky. I’d sleep for five hours and then get up to go to work. Come home and repeat the process all over again. Now I’ve been trying to make it a point to be in bed by 8 so that I can read a book and be asleep by 9. So despite how boring the answer is, getting better sleep has been my first step in the after. I know it’s the right answer, but eventually, there has to be more. 

It feels like I’ve spent the last four years screaming at the top of my lungs and I’ve made a very conscious decision to step back and be more directed with my online presence. Waiting until I have something to say before just throwing stuff out there. If you’ve ever streamed then you’re all too familiar with the post stream come down. The moment in between letting the channel you hosted know you’re gonna lurk and actually getting up to do whatever it is you need to attend to. It’s quiet and reflective. I feel that on a macro level, and it’s like coming to terms with an existential exhaustion you’ve carried but kept in a corner until you were ready. Maybe just not talk to your hairstylist kind of ready. There is a tinge of guilt that boils up whenever I start to think about what’s next, mainly because I don’t have an answer yet, but I know it’s only been a month so I’m trying to keep my guilt in check. In the meantime, I’ve been enjoying the ability to observe more. I made it a goal this year to watch more of the videos and movies that get suggested to me. Low stakes resolutions, sure, but attainable goals, yo. I’ve been enjoying the ability to spend time with streams I rarely got the chance to pop in and getting to know people’s communities more. I’ve also been going out and spending time with local friends, something I’ve shamefully let go by the wayside. It’s still too early to tell, but it feels as though I’ve shifted from one end of the spectrum to the other. 

So much of my life was spent with streaming being the priority, and now that it’s on the back burner, I’m going back to just being Trey again. I told a friend that I felt like streaming shouldn’t be the only interesting thing about me. He said, ‘fuck you,’ and insisted that that perception was wrong. Maybe, but I know that somewhere in the middle of the spectrum is where I want to be. It’s a muscle I need to break, but not forget. It’s a phantom limb that I miss but not ready to use again. Back in early October, I took a trip to Austin before starting the last stretch of streams. Due to various reasons, I never actually got to meet the host of the BnB I was staying at until it was time to check out. As I was loading bags into my car, the host spotted me from her garden and stopped what she was doing to address me. She had a large sun hat and dress on and had been pruning dead leaves off all her plants. She looked at me and through a smile prophetically said, “You know you gotta get rid of the old stuff if you want things to grow. It’s the perfect time to do that.’ I smiled back and laughed along. That moment has stuck with me and it was more emblematic than she’ll ever know. 

All right, enough waxing poetically. It always feels guilty, there’s that word again, to open up about this stuff because I never want it to come across as an invitation for pity. I expressed that same sentiment leading up to writing the last blog post and a friend of mine said that even if it feels weird, it’s good to put those thoughts out there because you never know who’s going through the same thing. She’s right, so I’m doing my best to push through and share where I’m at with others. It’s another one of my goals to write a blog post per month so it’s with that spirit that I share this first entry. So as a wrap-up, here’s a quick rundown of what January’s been like. I think easily the biggest thing was getting to attend Pax South and reconnect with old friends and meet people I haven’t had the chance to meet yet. It’s funny, leading up to the event I never had an answer for what I was excited to see the most at Pax South, mainly because the biggest draw was just the people. Pax was just the background. In fact, I think a lot of the major highlights from the weekend stems from outside events. Bar chill outs at Ernie’s, The Variety Pack dinner, the Brunch Squad, and finally trying cheesecake with Nej, Leech, Hroth, and CrackingRex. Yes. I’ve made it 29 years without ever eating cheesecake and every bite was a monument to my stupidity. I would have two pieces more by the time the trip was over. Getting to meet face to face with people you’ve become close with online never ceases to be amazing. It’s another goal this year to continue this trend of traveling to meet up with people, whether it be at cons or picking a place to go. I’ll be sure to detail where I’m going to ensure I get to meet as many people as I can. So yeah, that’s gonna do it for now. Like I said at the top, I’m definitely making a conscious decision to be more reserved but I’m still around in the Discord and reading social media religiously. I’m never too far if you need me. Until then, hope you all have a highlight worthy month.

I’m moving back to Twitch. It’s been an incredible year plus journey over on Mixer and I’m unbelievably thankful for the people that I’ve met along the way. I’m also incredibly thankful for the opportunity I was given to work with and be a part of the Variety Pack team. That team has grown in ways I never expected. There’s this perception that there’s not enough variety over on Mixer but that team has been a resounding rebuttal stating, ‘Variety is most definitely here.’ I can’t tell you how cool that is. Between the team and the Mixer community, I’ve met people who I genuinely consider friends and I know they have significantly impacted my life. My time on Mixer was meant to be a three-month experiment, but it ended up being a much longer stay. It taught me to be more resourceful and reevaluate my entire streaming process. I’m really proud of the things I’ve done this year, and a large part of it has to do with the growth I’ve seen with my time on Mixer and learning from the people in that community. I found a family.

There’s a part of me that fears moving back to Twitch will be seen as a disapproval of Mixer. I still very much believe in the platform and believe in the people there, but my overall goals with streaming have changed. I’m moving back to Twitch to finish out the year and then I’ll be hanging up streaming for a while. It’s been an incredible four years chasing this pursuit of full-time streaming, but I can’t help but feel it’s time to put a bow on this. I’m proud of everything I’ve been able to experience these last four years, but when I look at the next four years I’m not sure holding on to this idea of full time streaming and treating it like a job is what I should be doing. It was always a long shot, and I think I’ve reached a point where I can say that I gave it my all. I’ve never put as much energy into something as I have streaming. I love it with all my heart. But, I think it’s time to see what’s next. What better way to bring this to a close then to go back to where I started? 

I could never give up streaming entirely, but I know that I’m very much an all or nothing kind of person. I’m gonna need an extended break from streaming before I introduce casual streaming again, otherwise, I know I’ll slowly creep my way back up to putting as much time in it as I have these last few years. So here’s the general roadmap for how this is going to play out. I’m gonna finish September on Mixer. I’ll be taking an IRL vacation through the first week of October, but when I get back I’ll resume streaming on Twitch. We’ll finish out the year with the same schedule that we’ve been doing through December 28th. We’ll have our annual 24-hour stream on December 28th and sunset this together. 
​
I’ve gone back and forth on whether it’s the right call to announce that I’m hanging things up for a while. Seems overly dramatic, but hey you all know me well enough by now. I mean the biggest tip-off is that I refer to the stream in seasons, right? Ultimately, letting you all know where I’m at and what I’m planning feels like the right move. I let out a series of tweets where I hinted this was on my mind. I said that I’m the kind of cheesy that would use a GIF of Captain America saying, ‘I can do this all day,’ to pump myself up, but sooner or later the day eventually ends. I really don’t want it to end without saying goodnight. This way we get to say goodnight together.

If you have any questions, you know how to reach me. I’ll have more to say later on in the year as we get closer to the 24-hour stream. You know I tend to write novels, so buckle up for the next post. Until then, as always, thank you for your time. <3 


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So keeping up with a weekly blog didn't turn out to be so weekly after all. That's okay. You're here now and while I have you I just wanted to take a minute to say thank you. Depending on when you read this, today is my three year anniversary. I know. I'm surprised too. My history has like a 2 year commitment max, but this little Tap experience just turned 3. We're officially in 'setting the bar,' territory and let me tell you that that's equal parts cool and scary. Things have changed since the last time I wrote so I'm gonna do my best to fill you in and thank you for this year. This blog post comes in bulk.  

Of all years, season 3 of TheTapStream has been the most humbling. I took the most amount of time off than any previous year. I hit a lot of walls mentally and even questioned whether or not I wanted to keep at this or hang it up. (Told you it was a 2 year max level of commitment for me.) In many ways I felt that I regressed as an entertainer. I kept wrestling with this question, 'How do I know the difference between quitting and knowing when to move on from something that's not working?" That question haunted me on so many sleepless nights this year. We've covered imposter syndrome in previous blogs so I won't go down that road again, but you get the idea of where I've been at my lows this year. So yeah, consider this guy humbled.  Luckily, all stories need their protagonists to be humbled otherwise Woody never sets aside his differences to become friends with Buzz. Marlin never learns to trust Dory even when he's afraid of letting go. Peter Parker never learns that his strength is more than the gadgets in his suit. 

Spoilers for those movies by the way. The main takeaway is that I know I'll look back on this year as a turning point for me. I really had to dig in and reflect on who I am as a streamer and what my ultimate goal is. I want to be a content creator. I want this to be my job. Plain and simple. When I say humbled it's more than just taking gut punches, it's also about recognizing the time scale that I'm working with. I've spent the last three years learning how to be a great streamer. I've only spent one of those years really pushing to make sure that content is being put in front of eyeballs. I've only spent a fraction of that time learning external skills such as video editing, photoshopping, and social media management to accompany what I'm making. I haven't even begun to tackle the business strategies that I've internally referred to as 'we'll cross that bridge when we get there.' Yeah. I've got a lot to learn. 3 years is a long time, but in the grand scheme of things I'm just getting started. Even more so now that I've made the move to Mixer. Oh yeah. That's one of the 'things have changed,' tidbits from the first paragraph.

Moving to Mixer was the hardest thing I've done this year. Streaming and Twitch were synonymous to me when I got started. When I envisioned what success meant, it meant becoming a Twitch partner and rising through the ranks on Twitch. It was all I knew given how limited my scope of success was. Listening to established full time streamers put me on a different path. Specifically, ProfessorBroman was the one who shouted from the rooftops that anyone seeking full time status should be seriously starting on Mixer, citing "Mixer is where Twitch was when they got started." Making the move to Mixer would have been easier if it all it meant was redefining my idea of success. What made it so hard to move was that this project isn't just me anymore. We're a community. You reading this. We're apart of this weird thing called TheTapStream. Making that decision meant seriously disrupting the ecosystem we created together. Whenever I describe what streaming means to me I'm quick to mention that it's an honor that you, the community members, have allowed me to become a daily routine in your life. That's what this means to me and asking you to change that was, is, and always will be more than I should and could ask of you. But I did anyway. 

Time is the only way we'll find out if Mixer is the right move for me. What I did learn? How fucking fortunate I am to be surrounded by the people in this community. There's no sentence I can write that will adequately convey just how much it means to me every time I see a familiar face hop into the stream now that we've made this move. Even if only for a moment. Kiko can't even view the stream without going into audio only mode and they're still there just about every stream. (<3) That's not even beginning to touch on joining the Mixer community and finding new faces that I admire and respect. Streamers who have helped inspire and reevaluate my process. New community members who help shape the culture and what we're doing. We've all coalesced into this group of people who genuinely care about each other and that above else is special. When I searched for a stream channel name I called it TheTapStream because it was always supposed to be bigger than myself. 3 years later TheTapStream is all of you. Everyone of you that tunes into share your highlights. Everyone of you that tunes in even when you don't have a highlight but lean on the community to get you through days that aren't as easy. Everyone of you that lift me up on days where mental walls seem insurmountable or gut punches feel swifter than before. You all are good people.  Simply good people. I'm surrounded by good people and I have nothing to fear as long as you are around. 

So yeah, I'm extremely fortunate and it's not an understatement when I refer to my community as family. I'm often asked why I made the jump to Mixer and I'm always quick to list the reasons why growing with a platform is better than trying to push through the saturation on a more popular one. I'll say, "I'm not streaming on Mixer for what it is today, but for what it could be tomorrow." I'm taking my shot in hoping that Mixer will have a better tomorrow, but for now you, yes you, are making it a better today every day. So thank you. 

As you can tell, I found myself right back to the same mentality I had prior to Star Wars The Force Awakens. I was letting spoilers control me and once again it was exhausting. Ultimately, it's a movie, it doesn't matter but at the same time, I find joy in experiencing it as fresh as possible. Something like Infinity War is the culmination of 10 years of groundwork, something that will most likely not happen again in my lifetime. It's easy to get wrapped up in the moment. I don't regret any of the steps I took to prevent knowing more about the film than I wanted, but I'm still finding myself coming back to why it's something we even have to do in the first place. I don't have any answers. Honestly, the only reason I'm writing this is to get off my chest. Even though I remained spoiler free there's still this feeling of being left with egg on my face for how strict I handled all this. Maybe I'm being hyper-aware of the grand scheme silliness. Maybe this was one long text-based exhale of two weeks of careful Internet browsing. Maybe I'm not proud of how easily obsessive I become. (thetapLurk anyone?) There's still truth to the idea that at a certain point I have to let go of how much spoilers matter to me. When you give in and react it only incentives people to keep finding ways to get a rise. It's a chicken-egg situation that may never have a solution.

I can say this though, thank you. I'm fortunate that I have a community that worked to keep our chat as spoiler free as possible. I'm fortunate that I have a mod team that is willing to listen and bounce ideas off on how to combat this for me and the community. Manny, Becca, Kiko, Aero_Ken, Dav, and Tate are all wonderful people who helped reign in as much of the talks as we could. I couldn't do this without them. So thank you. 

-Trey
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