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MCU Need to know

5/1/2020

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I'm beyond excited to share the podcast I've been working on with my cousin Jude. Introducing, MCU Need to Know, a podcast dedicated to the Marvel Cinematic Universe and everything you need to know! Those that know me know how much the MCU means to me and that goes equally the same for Jude. Leading up to Avengers: Endgame we were incredibly hyped and constantly swapping thoughts and theories about what the future of our favorite superheroes would be and what it would mean for the larger cinematic universe. As the MCU moves forward with its next saga we figured it was only a natural fit to create a platform where we could continue geeking out about Marvel as well as making that conversation something others could join in on too! Even though we're living in a time where release dates are in flux, we wanted to go ahead and get started now so that whenever the Disney+ shows or Black Widow begin to release, we'll be ready and waiting to dive into those on our podcast. So what does that mean in the meantime? 

Starting now, you can subscribe to our podcast on any of your favorite podcasting platforms and you will find our pilot episode where we introduce ourselves and talk about our connection with the Marvel fandom. This coming Monday, May 4th, will be the first official episode where we begin our rewatch of the Marvel Netflix series, Daredevil. It will be a weekly release where we give an in-depth scene by scene break down discussing the show as a whole as well as how it fits into the larger MCU proper. We're both excited and proud of what we've done so far and we can't wait to dive in with you all as well! So if you don't have any plans this evening, now would be a great time to start rewatching Daredevil with us! 

Our podcast is still rolling out to all the major podcasting platforms, so if you don't see it, don't hesitate to let us know so we can ensure that it will be there for you moving forward! You can find us on Twitter or Instagram with the username @MCUNeedtoKnow, or if long-form writing is your thing, you can also send us an email at [email protected]! We look forward to any comments, thoughts, or feedback sent our way.

Thank you in advance for your interest in our show. We're both excited about the potential of this platform, and we know we're not the only ones looking for a place to geek out about Marvel. We'd be delighted to do it together.

​<3 



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Stringing Along

4/26/2020

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Literally the day after the last post fucking Bunny Day happened and killed all my momentum for Animal Crossing. So in that regard, I'm pretty much a liar now. I'm being hyperbolic, but I did feel it was pertinent to address that right up here at the top. I've been laughing about it all month and it's the odd mixture of frustration and perfect chaos that I love. In truth, I still do play it here and there but I'm nowhere near as amped about it. I log in for maybe 10 minutes a day just to check turnip prices and fart around, but nothing substantial. I've thought about it, and I've realized that this is the best-case scenario for me if this is gonna be a game I stick around with long term. The weight of daily check-in streaks was beginning to add up and with it, my interest was buckling. So in short, the lesson learned is maybe I shouldn't place solace in singular experiences. With that being said, I bought a guitar.

Figured we could rip that band-aid right off here at the top too. I feel the guitar, much like writing, is one of those things you don't talk about unless you're doing it because the act of talking about it satisfies whatever chemical reaction in your brain that feels like you accomplished something when instead you've just blown hot air. However, I figured my self declared loophole is that the Internet is so noisy that whoever is here reading this in our little corner of the Internet can help keep me accountable. (Sorry for the burden.) I've wanted to do this for a while but I've always written it off as something outside the bounds of what I considered possible. I've talked about it in our discord before, but it's taken me entirely too long in life to realize that the only difference between knowing a skill and not knowing is the discipline to stick with it and practice it. (I guess the theme of this blog post is gonna be obvious lessons.) I've found a guide that I'm really enjoying on Youtube and I'm dedicating at least 10 minutes a day to practice. Pretty low stakes and it leaves room for more time if I'm feeling it. Last Saturday I spent about 2 hours just slowly practicing transitioning chords, and if you'll allow me to toot my own horn, I'm pretty pumped about the progress I've made in a week. So, we'll see where this goes. (After writing that I realize that this whole website is the biggest horn I'll ever toot so I guess that goes without saying.)  Regardless of what happens, it's been so therapeutic to have an outlet to pause whatever I'm doing and focus all my mental and physical energy on something, because trust me, it takes all my focus. If I run into whatever the guitar equivalent of Bunny Day is though, I'm burning this blog down.

Hey. We're really into the thick of this now, huh? Normally I like to have two structures to this blog where the first half is something inspiring, or something I've spent the month ruminating on and revising so it's not something I read in the future with regret, but I gotta be honest. I don't have shit. Time is warped. I've been lethargic. We're just shooting from the hip here and I hope that's okay. Plus last month, I overly romanticized Animal Crossing so I think it's only fair to balance it out with just catching up on what I've been up to lately. I mean, the biggest thing I didn't cover in the last entry was the slow introduction of streaming again. My original intention was to hold off until June to start toying with the idea of streaming casually, but with everything going on regarding Covid19 and people practicing social distancing or even isolation, it felt right to bump that up a few months. I don't know if that VOD is still up, but it's hard to capture what it felt like going live after so long. Seeing all the familiar names emerge and all the in-jokes provided exactly the warmth I was looking for in this life in limbo. Even in the days of regularity, there was an element of nervousness that accompanied every stream, but there was a sense of nerves I haven't felt since the early days with this return. Had it been enough time? Did I make all that fuss about ending just to be back sooner than expected? Would I still know how to do it? (Given all the audio issues we had on the first one, I'd say yes I did forget.) Am I ready to immerse myself back into stream, albeit with a new sense of restraint?

If you're reading this, you know me well enough to know how deep of a rabbit hole I can go with the second-guessing, but I listened to my gut and went live. Regardless of what my relationship to streaming is, I knew the end result would be good, and it was. I've discussed my feelings about this with Nej and she helped me set a guideline for what feels right. Last year I had a long conversation with a friend about streaming and I told them that streaming sometimes feels like holding your hand as close as you can to the fire and seeing how long you can go before getting burnt. They responded that I've had my hand up for a long time. I'm sure this isn't exclusive to streaming. When you're passionate about anything it's easy to forgo all sense of preservation in pursuit of a goal just outside your reach. To give in to the assuring whispers that you're on the verge of a breaking point if you just hold on a little longer. I think we've romanticized this notion of pushing through, or at least I did. I shouldn't be willing to burn myself to get there though, and that toxic notion was at the root of my relationship to streaming. That's why I've determined my new guideline for streaming is no more than once a week, but not necessarily every week. Casual. I swear, one day I'll move past writing about my conflicted relationship with streaming. It hasn't happened yet, but we'll get there. Back in the end of year post, I said that I was still learning how to make peace with this, and that's very much still the case. I don't want to live in the shadow of the longest-running project I've ever held, but I'm trying to learn from the experience as I move forward with new things. Speaking of which...

I may not be in a place to commit to a schedule with streaming, but next week I'm launching something that is very much scheduled. It's something I've been wanting to do for a while and I'm excited. My cousin and I have been working on a podcast and we're getting ready to launch on May 4th. Not quite ready to give all the details just yet, but by the end of the week, I should be able to share more. So, yeah! Until next time, thank you, Internet! 
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Animal Crossing a Threshold

3/31/2020

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I didn't want to write this blog. That's why it's late. Instead, and strangely what I didn't expect, was that I'd rather be playing Animal Crossing right now. I'm only three entries into this consistent blogging thing and even though I have a lot left to learn, I can safely assume that stating you don't want to write it is probably somewhere in the top five list of Don'ts in blogging. Luckily, this blog isn't guided by such lists and notions so I will reiterate, I'd rather be playing Animal Crossing right now.

I never expected to fall so hard for this game, and yet it's consumed so much of my waking thoughts. Over exaggerating? Only a little, but I've dreamt about this game. I rarely dream. I've woken up with my immediate thoughts being filled with excitement to see which new things have appeared on my island. My day is spent anticipating the moment I get to check and see if I've received any in-game mail and items sent from friends. I get so giddy visiting other friend's islands or having them come over to mine, despite there being almost nothing to do once you're together in a session. I have played this game at least an hour a day since I bought it which is coming up on two weeks now. It's no exaggeration to say I've spent more time playing this game, then the total hours spent playing anything else this year. 

I still find myself questioning what it is about this game that resonates with me when I've been so vehemently out of sync with any other games in a similar genre. I've never been one for character creation or any sort of custom creations for that matter. I've never been one to be guided by the dopamine effect of checking off simple daily tasks for virtual rewards and fake currency. I've never been compelled to spend my game time collecting useless collectibles, a subset of which requires fishing. It's pretty well documented how much I hate fishing in games, but as is the reoccurring theme in this piece, Animal Crossing unexpectedly broke through that threshold. (For those wondering, the moment this blog post is done I'll be spending the rest of my evening hours attempting to catch a Stringfish before it goes out of season.) 

Animal Crossing is an amalgamation of all the things I never expected. It's coming at a time where so many unexpected curve balls have been thrown around the world. It's coming at a time when the world's playbook has been thrown out the window and every one of us is having to adapt on the fly to a global pandemic. I never expected the plans I made earlier this year to be so quickly and dramatically upended and in some cases leave me wondering when I'd see loved ones again or what the state of the world would be when we got there. I didn't expect to stress over the simplest tasks for fear of endangering myself or those around me. I didn't expect that despite the weight of my anxieties, that it would be a drop in the bucket compared to what friends and family going above and beyond in their respective fields to help keep the world moving are dealing with. Friends and family whose work is deemed essential and therefore carry on in a world where six feet of distance and no contact with each other is now the standard. I'm just a child masquerading as an adult, whose only superpower is remaining optimistic, but in a world that feels so damn heavy right now, it's hard not to be taken aback by the existential gasp of uncertainty. I've wrestled with whether or not putting these fears out there was even worth posting, but we're living through a world-changing moment right now, and whether or not I'll look back on this entry with regret, it felt important to document what I'm feeling right now. 

The mountain always feels insurmountable until we're on the other side. Despite all my fears and my worries, I've been able to reason out that I'm only in control of doing at least three things. Staying informed. Practicing good hygiene and safe habits. Remaining kind. The world feels devoid of hope right now, and it's easy to get swept up in the various degrees at which this pandemic has been such a crushing blow to so many, and in ways that have yet to play out, and in ways that I, probably in my naivety, don't understand. But, I do know that hope never dies as long as we remain kind.

In the meantime, I'll be playing Animal Crossing. I hope you find your Animal Crossing too.
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a Letter to Your Doubt

2/26/2020

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Writing is hard. Earlier this month I sent out a political tweet thread encouraging people to get registered to vote, but what ended up a tweet originally started as a longer blog post. It was gonna be inspirational, it was going to be angry, and it was ultimately going nowhere. So I cut it short and relied on the safety net that is Twitter’s 280 character limit. The structure is nice and it’s less opportunity for doubt to creep in. Give me 280 characters and I’ll go to town. Give me this blank space and no limits and suddenly possibility is daunting, and every sentence is another ledge I’m flirting with. A free-fall into trashing what I originally set out to do. Self-sabotage before it’s even had a chance to breathe. I know I’m not alone in this habit. It’s kinda fucked up, isn’t it? How many things have you attempted to try this week only to talk yourself back from actually doing it? There are already a million hurdles to clear, our inner voice shouldn’t be one of them. 

I’m preaching to the choir though. You know this, I know this yet here we are. Doubt is a muscle we’ve nurtured and grown. A defense mechanism from shame. I’ve talked about it before but there’s a valley of difference between what we know and what we feel. That valley grows every time we dare to edge out closer to that ledge and think maybe I can. Yet no matter how intimidating that valley may be, we can bridge that gap. The valley is only lies we tell ourselves so instead take the time to write a letter to your doubt. Grab a piece of paper and in the biggest, boldest font you can muster write this down. 

I am more than the results of my efforts.
​I am the effort. 

That’s it. Write it down as many times as you need until the words are echoed in your head. Write it down until the tangible reminder is cemented in your spirit. Write it down until the volume of truth silences the lies of your fears. We shouldn’t cut our aspirations so short because we wired ourselves to believe we’re not enough. All we can do is try, and whether we succeed or fail, we flesh out who we are in honest and repeated effort. There is a fine line between doubting yourself, and knowing what you’re capable of and it’s a line that should be defined by pushing the boundaries of what you thought you could do. Who knows, once you cross that valley, you might even impress yourself, but at least you’ll know. 

I’m digging the format set in the last blog post where the first half of this entry is something more formal and thought out while this last half of the blog is more stream of consciousness. Kinda like that scene in Iron Man where Tony is giving his press conference after being rescued and he asks everyone to sit down with him while he eats his cheeseburger. This is the cheeseburger section, take a seat while I run through what February’s been like. 

I’m still in that vulnerable state with these blogs where I’m not sure what sort of effect these are having or if I’m just rambling on, but I’m still holding to the North Star of my friend’s advice. If it helps put someone else at ease, then hey I’ll ramble on. I’ve been trying my hand at new hobbies and learning new editing programs, so doubt is something that’s been on my mind lately. I’m constantly entering unfamiliar territory and getting overwhelmed with the feeling of being out of my field, but I’m trying to push past it. Whatever expectations we set on ourselves should make room for the fact that not everyone starts out being good at something new. See the first half of this blog for more on the subject.

It’s weird transitioning from being in a position where I immediately published everything I made the moment it was done to holding back and keeping things a little more low key. I’ve been working on a lot of little different things, some too local to share, and others too early in the stages of planning to be fully open about it yet. The bottom line is that it feels good to be doing creative things again. These first two months have been crazy busy, with no plans of stopping anytime soon, so I don’t know what the road for these creative outlets looks like yet, but I’m just happy that they’re there. I miss making things for the Internet. This blog isn’t about that though so we’re moving on.

I’ve been running a lot. If you’ve been in the Discord or on my Instagram I’ve been posting screenshots of my running sessions and it’s been fun hearing people say that it’s helping to motivate them. It’s a cyclical thing where it only further motivates me to continue pushing myself to do more. I started back in June of last year with no real plan. I would just go out to the local track and sprint the straights and walk the curves for a mile and call it a day. Eventually, a friend turned me on to the Couch to 5K app and it became my first real goal with running. I stuck with that through Summer and Fall but eventually lost my way through the Holidays. (Christmas cookies are tempting, man.) Even though I tried to at least run once a week, I was nowhere near where I was at the start of Fall. I buckled down this month though and made it a point to run three times a week. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. It’s been going really well and I’m happy to say not only have I made running 3 miles straight a standard, but I also hit 5 consecutive miles running this week. My new goal is to eventually get up to running 10. I’m a ways off, but I’m excited to work towards it. If you’re in our Discord we’ve got a new channel dedicated specifically to posting out workouts and cheering each other on. If that’s the sort of motivation you’re looking for then you should come join us! 

Okay, I think that concludes this month’s entry. Gotta say I'm pretty pumped that I kept up with it for a second month and made it through without talking about streaming. Shit. Oh well, there's always next time. For now, I’m gonna end this with writing out a few things I thought about tweeting but ultimately decided not to since I’ve put this weird limitation on myself to be more reserved with social media. Oh, and seriously I meant it at the start of this post. If you’re not registered to vote, stop wasting time. Do so. 
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  • I went to the museum today and immediately upon entering I heard a pre-teen kid exclaim to his field trip advisor, “I thought this was supposed to be fun.”
  • Walking through an ‘Evolution of Man,’ exhibit and I just heard a young kid whisper with all sincerity, “Is that the abominable snowman?’ 
  • Today I went to vote and I wore my Captain America shirt because that’s the kind of person I am. One of the ladies running the booth said, ‘Captain America has arrived,’ as soon as I walked in and that made me happier than it should have. 
  • Jon and I decided we were going to have a night where we stayed up late, ordered pizza, and played video games like we used to. We made it to about 9:35 pm before we both looked at each other yawning and decided to call it. 
  • There’s never been a pizza I couldn’t make personal. 

Enjoy and see you next month! <3 
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The After

1/26/2020

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​My hairstylist thinks that I do a podcast. It was a tiny misconception that I never corrected and let build for the last four years. Social anxiety and ineptitude for common conversation left me adrift in search of a hairstylist for a long time, so when I found one that I was comfortable with, letting them believe that I run a podcast instead of a stream seemed like a decent trade-off. We have three different topics we can easily drift in and out of. Movies, travel, and my podcast. I know I’m not the hero in this situation, but there’s an appropriate level of karmic retribution when a few weeks ago my stylist once again asked, ‘How’s the podcast going,’ and the only thing I could say was, ‘it’s going good.’ I didn’t want to get into it right then in the chair, one because I didn’t know how I would handle it emotionally, and two because I had a lot of retroactive explaining to do. Instead, we shifted back to movies. 

It’s been about a month since the last time that I streamed, without a doubt marking the longest I’ve ever gone without going live since the start. Questions of what’s next and post stream life are pretty common and honestly, my answer has been pretty consistently boring. Sleep. Most nights I would stream until about 10:30 sometimes 11, and by the time I fell asleep, it was closer to midnight if I was lucky. I’d sleep for five hours and then get up to go to work. Come home and repeat the process all over again. Now I’ve been trying to make it a point to be in bed by 8 so that I can read a book and be asleep by 9. So despite how boring the answer is, getting better sleep has been my first step in the after. I know it’s the right answer, but eventually, there has to be more. 

It feels like I’ve spent the last four years screaming at the top of my lungs and I’ve made a very conscious decision to step back and be more directed with my online presence. Waiting until I have something to say before just throwing stuff out there. If you’ve ever streamed then you’re all too familiar with the post stream come down. The moment in between letting the channel you hosted know you’re gonna lurk and actually getting up to do whatever it is you need to attend to. It’s quiet and reflective. I feel that on a macro level, and it’s like coming to terms with an existential exhaustion you’ve carried but kept in a corner until you were ready. Maybe just not talk to your hairstylist kind of ready. There is a tinge of guilt that boils up whenever I start to think about what’s next, mainly because I don’t have an answer yet, but I know it’s only been a month so I’m trying to keep my guilt in check. In the meantime, I’ve been enjoying the ability to observe more. I made it a goal this year to watch more of the videos and movies that get suggested to me. Low stakes resolutions, sure, but attainable goals, yo. I’ve been enjoying the ability to spend time with streams I rarely got the chance to pop in and getting to know people’s communities more. I’ve also been going out and spending time with local friends, something I’ve shamefully let go by the wayside. It’s still too early to tell, but it feels as though I’ve shifted from one end of the spectrum to the other. 

So much of my life was spent with streaming being the priority, and now that it’s on the back burner, I’m going back to just being Trey again. I told a friend that I felt like streaming shouldn’t be the only interesting thing about me. He said, ‘fuck you,’ and insisted that that perception was wrong. Maybe, but I know that somewhere in the middle of the spectrum is where I want to be. It’s a muscle I need to break, but not forget. It’s a phantom limb that I miss but not ready to use again. Back in early October, I took a trip to Austin before starting the last stretch of streams. Due to various reasons, I never actually got to meet the host of the BnB I was staying at until it was time to check out. As I was loading bags into my car, the host spotted me from her garden and stopped what she was doing to address me. She had a large sun hat and dress on and had been pruning dead leaves off all her plants. She looked at me and through a smile prophetically said, “You know you gotta get rid of the old stuff if you want things to grow. It’s the perfect time to do that.’ I smiled back and laughed along. That moment has stuck with me and it was more emblematic than she’ll ever know. 

All right, enough waxing poetically. It always feels guilty, there’s that word again, to open up about this stuff because I never want it to come across as an invitation for pity. I expressed that same sentiment leading up to writing the last blog post and a friend of mine said that even if it feels weird, it’s good to put those thoughts out there because you never know who’s going through the same thing. She’s right, so I’m doing my best to push through and share where I’m at with others. It’s another one of my goals to write a blog post per month so it’s with that spirit that I share this first entry. So as a wrap-up, here’s a quick rundown of what January’s been like. I think easily the biggest thing was getting to attend Pax South and reconnect with old friends and meet people I haven’t had the chance to meet yet. It’s funny, leading up to the event I never had an answer for what I was excited to see the most at Pax South, mainly because the biggest draw was just the people. Pax was just the background. In fact, I think a lot of the major highlights from the weekend stems from outside events. Bar chill outs at Ernie’s, The Variety Pack dinner, the Brunch Squad, and finally trying cheesecake with Nej, Leech, Hroth, and CrackingRex. Yes. I’ve made it 29 years without ever eating cheesecake and every bite was a monument to my stupidity. I would have two pieces more by the time the trip was over. Getting to meet face to face with people you’ve become close with online never ceases to be amazing. It’s another goal this year to continue this trend of traveling to meet up with people, whether it be at cons or picking a place to go. I’ll be sure to detail where I’m going to ensure I get to meet as many people as I can. So yeah, that’s gonna do it for now. Like I said at the top, I’m definitely making a conscious decision to be more reserved but I’m still around in the Discord and reading social media religiously. I’m never too far if you need me. Until then, hope you all have a highlight worthy month.
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See Ya Later, Internet

12/27/2019

10 Comments

 
There have been so many different versions of this blog post. Some angsty, some super sugary with the thank yous, and some just unable to come to a coherent point. The central problem is that I don’t know how you put something to rest that you’ve done for four years. I originally started writing this all the way back in October and would constantly try and chip away at it but it never felt right.  So instead of decided to chunk everything and start fresh. Shortly after announcing that I was ending things I had a streaming friend reach out to me and ask, ‘How did you make peace with it?’ The only answer I could give them was that ‘I’d let them know when I did.’ I think there’s a part of me that was hoping that in the time between announcing it and now I would have it figured out. That I’d be able to walk away at peace with it, but I’d be lying if I said it’s not something I’m still struggling with. It feels weird to come to the decision that you need to move on even though you’re good at something. I’ll go even deeper and say there are intrusive thoughts echoing sentiments of failure. Feeling like I gave up. 

​Now before that raises any alarms or swift feelings of needing to reassure, know that I’m okay. There’s a valley of difference between what we know and what we feel and bridging that gap of insecurity has been what has continuously been the answer all along. It’s you all. How could I look back on anything we’ve done in the last four years and call it a failure? That central nugget is what’s helping me come to peace. Before, I was going about it from the wrong perspective. I was acting like a toddler that was being told it’s time for bed. I was too focused on myself when the obvious answer was that this was never about me. It was about us. Flipping that switched helped me realize that the way you put this to rest is by honoring the people who made this place special. The people who gave a damn, not just about the stream, but about each other. It starts down to the central question, ‘What’s been the highlight of your day?’ Time and time again I asked that simple question and you all answered. You all searched for the brightest spot of your days and chose to share them. Some days were good, some days were harder than others, but regardless of the day, we shared them together. You made that happen. When I look back on all of this, the biggest sense of pride I’ll have is to be able to trace back the friendships and connections made through this corner of the Internet. That’s what it’s about. What it’s always been about.

What’s been the highlight of your day? I need to know. That last part is something we’ve made jokes about throughout the years, but I think there’s something more subconscious to it than even I realized until recently. Before all this streaming stuff happened, I was an incredibly cynical person. I had fallen deep into the ‘people are the worst. I’d rather be alone,’ mantra. I was slowly cutting myself off from social connections and at the risk of sounding melodramatic, I stopped caring in general. I could spend a million years looking back on it and never find the answer, but for some reason streaming called out to me. It didn’t make sense. I was incredibly shy, I never put myself anywhere near the spotlight, and I couldn’t hold a conversation but I still went live. I barely streamed for five minutes and the nerves were still there, but something compelled me to do it again. So I went live again the next week. Then the next, and so on. You know the story from there. It’s so funny to me to hear other people describe me as a positive and caring person, because when this started that certainly wasn’t the case. You all changed me over time. So every time I asked, ‘What’s been the highlight of your day? I need to know,’ I needed to know because it reminded me not to slip back into cynicism. I needed to know because it held me accountable to the truth I discovered along the way. That even in the hardest days there’s always something good to look back on, no matter how small. 

After making the decision to end things, I had a local friend ask me what I’d say to someone who was just getting into the streaming space. ‘Disregard the doubts but trust your limits,’ was my answer. I think there will be those that wonder if this was the result of burn out or believing I wasn’t good enough, but that couldn’t be further from the case. Sadly, it was the result of losing faith in the idea of doing this full time and that’s a fire that isn’t easy to reignite, but I would be ashamed if people took the wrong lesson from this. One of the earliest lessons I learned in regards to the actual practice of streaming is that you are your only constant. There are an unquantifiable amount of variables that go into streaming, but if you know who you are, what you want, and why you do it, then embracing the unknown is a lot easier. The greatest advice I’ve ever been given came from Freddie Wong in a keynote at RTX. ‘With the Internet, the question isn’t is there an audience, but where is the audience?’ There’s power in realizing that when you’re true to yourself and what makes you happy it’ll draw people in. Streaming has always been a slippery slope because for the first time in a lot of our lives we have quantifiable data about how people feel about us. It’s so easy to let numbers dictate that narrative but the truth is that the numbers aren’t a representation of who we are but a representation of our strategy. Strategies can and should always be reevaluated, but letting the numbers question your worth is a constant battle. One I urge you to fight through the doubts with. You are more than your numbers, but should the day come that you’ve hit your limit, that’s okay too. We’re fed this idea that you have to constantly, ‘keep grinding,’ or ‘be patient,’ but that’s just the song of Pied Pipers who’ve made it. The reality is ‘making it,’ is subjective and we all have different paths. Only you know what works for you.

There have been countless times I’ve spoken with streaming peers and issued out, ‘I think to stay sane in the streaming space you have to make peace with realizing that if things ended tomorrow and you’ve reached the height of what you could do, that it would be enough.’ As I’m writing this things do end tomorrow, and I’m having to put into practice my own words. I’ve looked up to the Internet and online creators for as long as I can remember. It was a dream to be able to get up there and do what they do. I watched in awe as people like Phillip Defranco, Rooster Teeth, and Harmontown created these environments where people felt like they belonged. It was my dream. We’re never promised that the dream will last, but I see now that for four years I lived my dream. I will never be able to convey just how much this meant to me. To have the chance to make things that people were genuinely excited for. On my hard days, I turned to the Internet to help get me through and to have been able to turn around and give a percentage of that back has brought me fulfillment. I’m heading into this new year moving on from streaming and there’s a part of me that is scared, but I’m comforted by the notion that as improbable as whatever it is I do next is, streaming was just as improbable and it still happened. I have a poster that hangs to the right of me filled with incredibly kind words from you all that helps remind me that this crazy experiment happened. (Thank you, Bubbz) I have clips that highlight all our incredibly chaotic and hilarious moments together. I have music and art that represent this community in ways that I’ll never forget. Time may erode the structures of what we built, but this community turned into a family, and I’ll have that forever.

One final advice. If you’re looking to build a community one of the easiest things you can do is to give the community a simple rule. One that is easy to follow but not the end of the world if it’s broken. It gives people a chance to teach others if the rule is broken. It gives people a sense of purpose that the place they’re hanging out in is more than just another forum. It gives people a chance to care. If I had to boil it down that’s what these last four years have taught me most of all. When given the chance, people do care. That’s why we kept #thetaplounge free of links and images. 

Thank you for everything. You mean more to me than you’ll ever know. I know this isn’t the end, but until next time, See ya later, Internet. 
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Part of the Journey is the end

9/21/2019

2 Comments

 
I’m moving back to Twitch. It’s been an incredible year plus journey over on Mixer and I’m unbelievably thankful for the people that I’ve met along the way. I’m also incredibly thankful for the opportunity I was given to work with and be a part of the Variety Pack team. That team has grown in ways I never expected. There’s this perception that there’s not enough variety over on Mixer but that team has been a resounding rebuttal stating, ‘Variety is most definitely here.’ I can’t tell you how cool that is. Between the team and the Mixer community, I’ve met people who I genuinely consider friends and I know they have significantly impacted my life. My time on Mixer was meant to be a three-month experiment, but it ended up being a much longer stay. It taught me to be more resourceful and reevaluate my entire streaming process. I’m really proud of the things I’ve done this year, and a large part of it has to do with the growth I’ve seen with my time on Mixer and learning from the people in that community. I found a family.

There’s a part of me that fears moving back to Twitch will be seen as a disapproval of Mixer. I still very much believe in the platform and believe in the people there, but my overall goals with streaming have changed. I’m moving back to Twitch to finish out the year and then I’ll be hanging up streaming for a while. It’s been an incredible four years chasing this pursuit of full-time streaming, but I can’t help but feel it’s time to put a bow on this. I’m proud of everything I’ve been able to experience these last four years, but when I look at the next four years I’m not sure holding on to this idea of full time streaming and treating it like a job is what I should be doing. It was always a long shot, and I think I’ve reached a point where I can say that I gave it my all. I’ve never put as much energy into something as I have streaming. I love it with all my heart. But, I think it’s time to see what’s next. What better way to bring this to a close then to go back to where I started? 

I could never give up streaming entirely, but I know that I’m very much an all or nothing kind of person. I’m gonna need an extended break from streaming before I introduce casual streaming again, otherwise, I know I’ll slowly creep my way back up to putting as much time in it as I have these last few years. So here’s the general roadmap for how this is going to play out. I’m gonna finish September on Mixer. I’ll be taking an IRL vacation through the first week of October, but when I get back I’ll resume streaming on Twitch. We’ll finish out the year with the same schedule that we’ve been doing through December 28th. We’ll have our annual 24-hour stream on December 28th and sunset this together. 
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I’ve gone back and forth on whether it’s the right call to announce that I’m hanging things up for a while. Seems overly dramatic, but hey you all know me well enough by now. I mean the biggest tip-off is that I refer to the stream in seasons, right? Ultimately, letting you all know where I’m at and what I’m planning feels like the right move. I let out a series of tweets where I hinted this was on my mind. I said that I’m the kind of cheesy that would use a GIF of Captain America saying, ‘I can do this all day,’ to pump myself up, but sooner or later the day eventually ends. I really don’t want it to end without saying goodnight. This way we get to say goodnight together.

If you have any questions, you know how to reach me. I’ll have more to say later on in the year as we get closer to the 24-hour stream. You know I tend to write novels, so buckle up for the next post. Until then, as always, thank you for your time. <3 


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2 Comments

Every Quote of the week in 2018

12/31/2018

0 Comments

 
  • "You've seen elf on the shelf but have you seen Trey under the desk?!" -GamerSmack January 3rd
  • "Eventually the multi mondays will devolve into Rex just handing Trey an unplugged controller and telling him that he's actually playing." -Kymiras January 8th
  • "Oh hey, it's Trey does nothing useful for a few hours: the stream" -NervousBird January 15
  • "It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits." -n8whiteshark January 22nd 
  • "Oh look, it's that guy who looks like all the other guys but with a different hair length." -DoctorBobson Feb 5th 
  • "A week without Trey is like a week without work. It's a huge relief at first but then you run out of things to do." -scrabblezard feb 12th 
  • "Trey you ruined christmas and it's only february." -EP Feb 19th
  • "Trey is like a clearance bin Tony Stark." -EP Feb 26th 
  • "You could go into a gaming competition as the only competitor and still come second." -NervousBird March 5th 
  • "Please use code 'thetapstream' to make the purchase process much harder than it needs to be." -TheCzar March 12th
  • "I'm too damned competitive to let anyone hate me more than myself." -TacoMan March 19th
  • "TheTapStream. It's not being bad at video games. It's falling in style." -N8WhiteShark March 26th
  • "The Rumor comes out: Does Trey thetapstream is rude." -QSwordWielder April 2
  • "QOTW = "Trey is dumb" but in a wittier way." -Nervousbird April 9
  • "Trey the king of references and the king of not remembering them."-Kiko_Senpai April 16
  • "Trey you can do anything! Don't let your IQ hold you back." -Joltyawn April 23rd 
  • "That blue shell ruined my life. I now have no money to take care of my family and I have to file for bankruptcy." -morninfrost/SunFlows april 30th
  • "Oh I thought we were talking about shaggy the musician but I guess it wasn't him." -MorninFrost/SunFlows May 7th
  • "Games and movies are like a good glass of milk, best when unspoiled." -gingerthekid2746 may 21st
  • "One time a buddy and I had a big crowd around us playing air hockey, thought it was so cool. In reality it was probably just a line." -Jhubbit may 29th
  • "My existence is a donger." -Aero_Ken June 4th 
  • "Canadians used to bottle their feelings inside beavers. That's where the word damn comes from." -Doctorbobson June 11th 
  • "I want to offer an encouraging 'you got this' but I feel like that will jinx you." -tiredbeenzino June 18th 
  • "I am infinite, I am all. I am unlimited bread sticks at Olive Garden." -N8 June 25th 
  • "Pick up the flute, classy yet sassy." -TiredBeenzino July 2nd 
  • "New phone hubris?" -Aero_Ken July 9th
  • "Guy Fieri is the secret optional boss. You have to find flavortown" -EP July 16th
  • "I also said I'd be an astronaut but here I am, still speaking lies." -GamerSmack July 20th
  • "In West Virginia born and raised, on the fallout is where I spent most of my day." -Kiko July 23rd
  • "Trey, I never expect progress, I just celebrate it when it happens." -EP August 6th 
  • "You can take my emote but you'll never take my donger!"-Kiko_Senpai August 12th 
  • "I always get excited for my first shit of the new year." -n8whiteshark August 20th
  • "You're not an idiot, you're our idiot." -Aero_Plane Sept 3
  • "they say failure is the best teacher and I know nothing."-Hrothmar Sept 10th
  • "It's called fantasy football cause I want the bears to win." -Kiko_Senpai Sept 17th
  • "There's no amount of pizza that I could eat that I would regret." -Sept 24th
  • "the real song lyrics are the one made up along the way." -thekey147 October 1st 
  • "Did you climb the wrong zeus yet?" -doctorbobson october 8
  • "If life gives you lemons, then something went wrong in the cereal packaging." -Kiko_Senpai October 15th 
  • "I watch a guy scream at a game for four hours." -Bubblzdancer October 22nd
  • "Sunday without sprinkles is just a looming reminder of a monday." -Kiko_Senpai November 5th 
  • "If Trey doesn't show up in 15 mins I'm legally allowed to unfollow" -EP November 12th
  • "When a shootout happens everyone Trey is aiming at is completely safe" -JHubbit November 19th
  • "So would Hrothermar's Soup restaurant be called Brothmar?" -EP November 26th 
  • "Joltyawn used sports reference! Trey is confused!" -DoctorBobson December 3rd
  • "You're not an idiot Trey, you just allocate whatever genius you have in the worst way." -AeroPlane December 11th 
  • "My first favorite food is free, my second favorite is fresh LUL." -TheKey147 December 17th
  • "Trey is like the mall santa that kids either love or cry." -Kiko_Senpai December 26th 
  • "Why get thinner when you can get more dinner" -TheRed Menace December 31st 
0 Comments

This Still On?

12/28/2018

1 Comment

 
So keeping up with a weekly blog didn't turn out to be so weekly after all. That's okay. You're here now and while I have you I just wanted to take a minute to say thank you. Depending on when you read this, today is my three year anniversary. I know. I'm surprised too. My history has like a 2 year commitment max, but this little Tap experience just turned 3. We're officially in 'setting the bar,' territory and let me tell you that that's equal parts cool and scary. Things have changed since the last time I wrote so I'm gonna do my best to fill you in and thank you for this year. This blog post comes in bulk.  

Of all years, season 3 of TheTapStream has been the most humbling. I took the most amount of time off than any previous year. I hit a lot of walls mentally and even questioned whether or not I wanted to keep at this or hang it up. (Told you it was a 2 year max level of commitment for me.) In many ways I felt that I regressed as an entertainer. I kept wrestling with this question, 'How do I know the difference between quitting and knowing when to move on from something that's not working?" That question haunted me on so many sleepless nights this year. We've covered imposter syndrome in previous blogs so I won't go down that road again, but you get the idea of where I've been at my lows this year. So yeah, consider this guy humbled.  Luckily, all stories need their protagonists to be humbled otherwise Woody never sets aside his differences to become friends with Buzz. Marlin never learns to trust Dory even when he's afraid of letting go. Peter Parker never learns that his strength is more than the gadgets in his suit. 

Spoilers for those movies by the way. The main takeaway is that I know I'll look back on this year as a turning point for me. I really had to dig in and reflect on who I am as a streamer and what my ultimate goal is. I want to be a content creator. I want this to be my job. Plain and simple. When I say humbled it's more than just taking gut punches, it's also about recognizing the time scale that I'm working with. I've spent the last three years learning how to be a great streamer. I've only spent one of those years really pushing to make sure that content is being put in front of eyeballs. I've only spent a fraction of that time learning external skills such as video editing, photoshopping, and social media management to accompany what I'm making. I haven't even begun to tackle the business strategies that I've internally referred to as 'we'll cross that bridge when we get there.' Yeah. I've got a lot to learn. 3 years is a long time, but in the grand scheme of things I'm just getting started. Even more so now that I've made the move to Mixer. Oh yeah. That's one of the 'things have changed,' tidbits from the first paragraph.

Moving to Mixer was the hardest thing I've done this year. Streaming and Twitch were synonymous to me when I got started. When I envisioned what success meant, it meant becoming a Twitch partner and rising through the ranks on Twitch. It was all I knew given how limited my scope of success was. Listening to established full time streamers put me on a different path. Specifically, ProfessorBroman was the one who shouted from the rooftops that anyone seeking full time status should be seriously starting on Mixer, citing "Mixer is where Twitch was when they got started." Making the move to Mixer would have been easier if it all it meant was redefining my idea of success. What made it so hard to move was that this project isn't just me anymore. We're a community. You reading this. We're apart of this weird thing called TheTapStream. Making that decision meant seriously disrupting the ecosystem we created together. Whenever I describe what streaming means to me I'm quick to mention that it's an honor that you, the community members, have allowed me to become a daily routine in your life. That's what this means to me and asking you to change that was, is, and always will be more than I should and could ask of you. But I did anyway. 

Time is the only way we'll find out if Mixer is the right move for me. What I did learn? How fucking fortunate I am to be surrounded by the people in this community. There's no sentence I can write that will adequately convey just how much it means to me every time I see a familiar face hop into the stream now that we've made this move. Even if only for a moment. Kiko can't even view the stream without going into audio only mode and they're still there just about every stream. (<3) That's not even beginning to touch on joining the Mixer community and finding new faces that I admire and respect. Streamers who have helped inspire and reevaluate my process. New community members who help shape the culture and what we're doing. We've all coalesced into this group of people who genuinely care about each other and that above else is special. When I searched for a stream channel name I called it TheTapStream because it was always supposed to be bigger than myself. 3 years later TheTapStream is all of you. Everyone of you that tunes into share your highlights. Everyone of you that tunes in even when you don't have a highlight but lean on the community to get you through days that aren't as easy. Everyone of you that lift me up on days where mental walls seem insurmountable or gut punches feel swifter than before. You all are good people.  Simply good people. I'm surrounded by good people and I have nothing to fear as long as you are around. 

So yeah, I'm extremely fortunate and it's not an understatement when I refer to my community as family. I'm often asked why I made the jump to Mixer and I'm always quick to list the reasons why growing with a platform is better than trying to push through the saturation on a more popular one. I'll say, "I'm not streaming on Mixer for what it is today, but for what it could be tomorrow." I'm taking my shot in hoping that Mixer will have a better tomorrow, but for now you, yes you, are making it a better today every day. So thank you. 
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Season three of TheTapStream is without a doubt the hardest one I've been through. I hit low lows and wrestled with the question "How do I know the difference between giving up and moving on from something that's not working?" I'm looking towards season four with a renewed sense of purpose. A new understanding that I'm going to have to take risks and gamble on things that may or may not work. A new understanding that the difference between giving up and moving on is not being afraid to try. Thank you for giving me that courage. Thank you for the year. Thank you making this home.

<3,
Trey
1 Comment

Spoilers and Infinity War

5/6/2018

1 Comment

 
2015. After waiting in line for about half an hour, we started slowly ushering into the auditorium where we would watch Star Wars The Force Awakens. One by one the usher tore our tickets allowing each person in. Eventually, I make my way to the front of the line, and as I'm handing my ticket over someone rushes into the front lobby, yells a major spoiler for the film, and then rushes out. The usher hands me my ticket back and I walk into the auditorium angry but with nothing really to do.

Dramatic? Yeah, but I gotta write something to lure people into wanting to read right? That's a true story though, and one that coincided with a declaration that I wouldn't let spoilers control me that much. Leading up to that event I had gotten to the point where I would wear headphones into the theater, so as not to be spoiled by the people walking out. I would take extended breaks from the Internet so that I wouldn't accidentally come across an angry commenter out to ruin other people's fun. I did everything in my power to minimize the spoilers, and it was becoming exhausting. I got to the point where I decided that I was going to stop. All these steps I was taking was just building up a pressure valve of disappointment that spoiler folks were seeking to burst. Reactions. That's all they want out of you, reactions. What better way to combat their meaningless antics than with the flippancy of teenage apathy.

The Star Wars spoiler was enough to rile me up but I held onto the attitude that I shouldn't give these people the satisfaction they wanted. That mentality helped me forge the same resolve for streaming. I've come to the realization that as the streamer I'm going to get spoiled for stuff. It's going to happen. Whether it be a digital equivalent of Star Wars lobby boy running in with a drive-by shout, or a well-meaning person looking to discuss whatever big event is happening. It's gonna happen. Yet, the paranoia found new life in wanting to shield my community from these people. Or at least that's the trojan horse it used to enter my mindspace again. If you haven't guessed by now, this is leading towards Infinity War.

I texted a cousin of mine about a week before the early movie premiere that he should consider staying away from the stream until he saw the movie. I explained to him that random spoilers had been a pretty annual thing with whatever huge release was coming and I knew how much Infinity War meant to him. I even made posts about it in our discord, reminding people to take extra caution and be wary about the places they visited online. As the movie's release got closer though my mind kept fixating on ways to help prevent issues, so I got to work. Any hint of spoilers I would immediately private message the person to clarify what they meant, (Sorry Kelamin). I went into my banned words list on Twitch and added every MCU Superhero I could think of to discourage random spoils. I turned on follower only mode so that you had to be following for at least a certain amount of time before you could even chat. I removed all follow alerts so that cleverly named usernames wouldn't pop up on stream. I created a brand new discord server specifically for Avengers talk so that I could redirect conversation there. Finally, I didn't stream to any game directories so that it would be harder for newcomers to even find the stream. Yeah, I might have reached Iron Man 3 level of paranoia.
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As you can tell, I found myself right back to the same mentality I had prior to Star Wars The Force Awakens. I was letting spoilers control me and once again it was exhausting. Ultimately, it's a movie, it doesn't matter but at the same time, I find joy in experiencing it as fresh as possible. Something like Infinity War is the culmination of 10 years of groundwork, something that will most likely not happen again in my lifetime. It's easy to get wrapped up in the moment. I don't regret any of the steps I took to prevent knowing more about the film than I wanted, but I'm still finding myself coming back to why it's something we even have to do in the first place. I don't have any answers. Honestly, the only reason I'm writing this is to get off my chest. Even though I remained spoiler free there's still this feeling of being left with egg on my face for how strict I handled all this. Maybe I'm being hyper-aware of the grand scheme silliness. Maybe this was one long text-based exhale of two weeks of careful Internet browsing. Maybe I'm not proud of how easily obsessive I become. (thetapLurk anyone?) There's still truth to the idea that at a certain point I have to let go of how much spoilers matter to me. When you give in and react it only incentives people to keep finding ways to get a rise. It's a chicken-egg situation that may never have a solution.

I can say this though, thank you. I'm fortunate that I have a community that worked to keep our chat as spoiler free as possible. I'm fortunate that I have a mod team that is willing to listen and bounce ideas off on how to combat this for me and the community. Manny, Becca, Kiko, Aero_Ken, Dav, and Tate are all wonderful people who helped reign in as much of the talks as we could. I couldn't do this without them. So thank you. 

-Trey
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1 Comment
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    Trey Solis

    Streamer, writer, creator. One day I woke up painfully aware of my existence and I've been apologizing for it ever since.

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